Betrayal hurts.
Very few of us escape life without experiencing some type of backstabbing, backbiting, or cheating from people we love. It doesn’t matter if it was a friend, family member, or boo. Betrayal makes you wonder how you will ever build trust again.
Without trust in your relationship, you’re like a prison guard to your partner because you can’t count on him to do the right thing when you’re not looking. You end up telling him what to do and when to do it. You start checking his phone, computer, and GPS to make sure he’s doing it. You want to control everything so you can feel safe.
In addition to being a prison guard, you become a prisoner too. Your heart is locked behind a wall of fear that not even spider man can climb over. You’re completely guarded, therefore your relationship never matures the way you want it to.
Without trust you have nothing.
It’s the foundation of every relationship. When you trust someone, you know they’re reliable. You can depend on them when you need them. You feel safe giving them your heart because they’re loyal to you.
How do I build trust when I’m afraid of being hurt again?
If you’ve been hurt, it’s understandable that you have a hard time trusting again. But if you want your relationships to grow, you’ll eventually have to let your guard down and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Eventually, the things he’s doing or not will manifest, without you having to look for them.
I know it’s hard to sit back and wait for the evidence to show up. But it will help if you are able to answer these three questions, honestly.
- Do I trust myself? Being in love can make you go in denial when little things happen. But, when little things turn into big things, you start to question your own judgement.
You may ask: “how could I be so stupid?” You become critical of yourself for not being able to see it coming. You think that you could have said or done something to prevent the betrayal from happening.
Without realizing it, you stop trusting yourself to make decisions, therefore, you stop trusting others.
Being able to trust yourself is vital to trusting others because you can only give what you have.
Whether you’re at home, work, or play, you make several decisions all day long. Of course you can trust yourself. We all make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean our judgement is bad all of time.
Your intuition works.
Use it.
2. Does he have integrity, in general? People who are generally honest have honest conversations no matter who they’re talking to.
It’s their lifestyle.
The same is true for dishonest people. Being deceptive is their lifestyle. It doesn’t matter who they’re talking to or what they’re talking about— money, work, or shoes—you’ll hear inconsistencies in almost every conversation.
One of the best ways to measure his level of integrity is to pay attention to his conversations with other people. If he consistently lies to his friends or to his mom about little things, he’ll have no problem lying to you about the big things.
3. Do his words match his behavior? If he’s says he’s going to do something, he should really try his best to do it. There are times when things may happen beyond his control that cause him to cancel. But that shouldn’t be happening often.
There should be some level of predictability in his life.
For the most part, he should consistently show up for dates, appointments, and other commitments on time. Not because he’s afraid that you will torture him if he doesn’t. But, simply because he’s a trustworthy person.
No one is perfect, but people are trustworthy because they strive to be. A trustworthy person can be trusted whether they are right next to you or 3000 miles away. It won’t happen just because you check his phone and make him produce a “whereabouts” report every time he walks in the door. That may make him more creative, but it won’t make him loyal.
If you feel like you aren’t able to trust, you may need to take some time to heal before jumping back in the game. If you don’t heal, it won’t matter what he does, you’ll never be able to trust him or anyone else again.
